Unsung Rains

I bury myself in washed out dreams,
      they are nothing but a myth.
Raging winds and salty seas,
      despite the one I’m with.
I can never get enough of your sour taste,
      your affection is what I crave.
Yet you sit and sulk in your hollow world,
      unable to be brave.
Breaking, hurt or disappointment,
      were never in my end game.
I want to ease your burdens,
      release the pressure you proclaim.
Shadows can cast doubt within,
      but they are never what they seemed.
I will never be enough for you,
      or measure up to what you’ve dreamed.
I want the clouds to rain the secrets of your soul,
      and let them soak into my skin.
Fear can keep us from the things we want,
      when all we need is to let the rain begin.

altruism and benevolence

The world is a truly selfish place.

new life goal = be as altruistic as possible

it’s ok to take care of myself

well said Julie. it’s a fantastic perspective i needed to hear.

everyone should go to therapy. i do.
you know how sometimes people who go to therapy are embarrassed about it? i think that people should be embarrassed if they DON’T go to therapy.
it’s ok to take care of yourself.

processing, a bit, of sorts

I suppose there is luxury in confusion, but if I am honest with myself I do not like to be confused. I like everything to be straight forward and clear. I like everything to have meaning and purpose. Mystery often frightens me. I should be able to embrace it but I cannot. I tremble in fear. I want things to be defined. I want there to be a plan, and a back up plan. I am afraid of the unknown. I think I have been trying to learn not be and trying to have more of a sense of freedom about things. However I think it has just made my condition worse. My better half is spontaneous and free. He enjoys flying by the seat of his pants and rarely makes plans. If I am honest with myself, which I am really trying to do these days, it makes me uncomfortable and often drives me insane. I’ve always hated not knowing things. I’ve always been afraid of looking stupid or letting someone down or not being good enough. I like to be prepared. There isn’t generally anything wrong with these things, however the extreme to which I take them seems to be quite unhealthy. It is putting a strain on every aspect of my life. Things do not always have to be laid out, yet I cannot seem to function properly when they are not. There is no possible way to always be prepared for life. In fact, most of the time we won’t be prepared. It’s just part of life. Yet I stress out and worry every time something happens that I did not expect or that I did not want to happen. I cannot always get what I want, and I know this because it happens every day. Yet I still aspire and set these lofty expectations and goals. Why do I continue to do this to myself? I cannot seem to figure out how to change. At the same time I feel like people should not need to change. People should be able to be who they are and not feel this constant need to be any other way. I feel that is untrue of me though. I need to change. Something needs to change. I need to learn to cope better or stop doing and feeling some of things I do and feel on a daily basis. That seems difficult because of so many years of being a certain way though. Is it possible to change that radically?

I cannot seem to run and return to the Lord for things. HE should be my source, HE should be my guidance, my love, my life, my everything. Yet I sit complacent, or often run full speed in the opposition direction. What am I afraid of? I already know and have known for years that I am a sinner. Yet I seem to think the Lord cannot forgive me? No that cannot be it. I think I feel like a failure and that I do not want the Lord to remind me of all the areas of life in which I have failed. I do not need to be reminded yet again of something else I have done wrong. I think I feel as though the Lord is upset with me for making the same and ever constant mistakes. This again is not true. The Lord loves me and wants the best for me. Why do I struggle to believe and embrace this? Where is my faith?

I have this constant and overwhelming sense that everyone is upset with me and disapproves of something I have done. WHY?? I feel as though this is a pride issue. Because I can guarantee that 99% of the time, that person was not even thinking about me. I was not even anywhere on their radar, yet I think that it is something that I’ve done wrong. Most of the time nothing is even wrong, I just think that something is wrong. Self-centered much? Paranoid much? People pleaser much? This is becoming a giant ball of wax… I have got to figure out how to make it stop rolling.

thinking (again and again and again)

over thinking.

i’ll get lost in my thoughts for tonight, and see how i come out on the other end.

i’m not sure what the issue is these days. i have no reason to be unhappy, or unsatisfied, so what’s my excuse?

Shadows

Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we’re thrown and we’re tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross

maybe

i hate to admit it, but maybe i need counseling. maybe i need a therapist. i know i would greatly benefit to just paying someone to listen to me. and then it would be a nice benefit if they tell me i’m crazy and i need to get a grip on life. although, i can also see that not going so well… idk. i just feel… i’m not even sure how i feel.

i need a lasting, loving embrace right now.

just some thoughts for the ladies (and men too i guess)

Things to help improve your relationships…

Say Good Morning
94% of couples who do this every day rate their relationships as excellent. You’re really saying it’s a good morning because you’re together. Affirming feelings in the am lays the groundwork for a positive day.

Acknowledge Expected Acts of Kindess
“Thank you for picking up the milk [for us].” If you reaped any benefits from the action, it deserves a thanks.

Praise Each Other in Public
This sends the message that you’re proud to be with each other and you want the world to know it. No need to gush, it will embarrass [him particularly]. Try to stick to sincere compliments that are specific to him and appeal to his masculinity.

Don’t Cut Him Off
If the man in your life isn’t much of a talker, it may be because he can’t get a word in edgewise. This often happens when you think you already know what he’s going to say. Have some patience and let him talk! Or if roles are reversed, you too mister!

Tips for Women About Men

Just finished a quick re-read of “For Women Only” by Shaunti Feldhahn. It’s a great book about understanding how men tick, on a basic level (since no one can be put in a box). I needed the re-read as I haven’t been the greatest person in the world to my boyfriend lately. I just wanted to share some quick highlights. Here are the authors “Seven Revelations” that she spends discussing through the rest of the book (please read on before judging some of them):

1 – Men need respect
2 – Men are insecure
3 – Men are providers
4 – Men want more sex
5 – Men are visual
6 – Men are unromantic clods (not really)
7 – Men care about appearance

Here are some notes to back up slash explain each point.

1 – They would rather feel unloved than inadequate and disrespected. I cannot express how important it is for a man to feel respected (therefore this section will be the longest). Check for anger. Anger is often the response to feeling disrespected. Give your man unconditional respect. Stop trying to control him, but instead show him you respect him. Tell him that you are proud of him and that you trust him. Respect his judgment. Respect his abilities. Men need to figure things out themselves, so let them. Helping him just shows distrust. Even if it takes five hours, just let him at it. Do not tell him how to do things, just support him. Build him up! Do not tear him down. Be careful of how you say things. Do not nag or accuse, especially in public. Respecting him in the public is the most important form and place. Assume the best in your man. “If a man’s wife/woman believes in him, he can conquer the world – or at least his little corner of it.”

2 – Despite their “in control” exterior, men often feel like impostors and are insecure that their inadequacies will be discovered. Affirm him! Flatter him. When a man is affirmed, he can conquer the world. If you tear him down, he will seek affirmation elsewhere. Tell him that he’s the greatest (because he is, isn’t he?). Be a totally accepting environment for him. Once he feels that, he will feel at ease and let his guard down. Home must be a haven. Send him out each day with the belief that he can slay dragons (I know my man sure can!).

3 – Even if you personally made enough income to support the family’s lifestyle, it would make no difference to the mental burden he feels to provide. He wants, no he needs to provide. Men feel powerful when they provide. It’s who they are, they need to provide. They want to be depended on. Providing for you is how he says I love you. Be a support to him. Encourage him. Tell and show him that you appreciate him. Don’t add to the pressure he already feels.

4 – Your sexual desire for your husband profoundly affects his sense of well-being and confidence in all areas of his life. Enough said? Seriously ladies, it’s crucial. If you don’t want to, he feels incredible rejection. Your lack of desire can send him into deep depression. This heavily effects him.

5 – Even happily married men struggle with being pulled toward live and reconnected images of other women. Women need to just accept this one. It will never change. Men are visual and they keep a mental rolodex of everything they’ve seen. They fight off the urge to look at or recall something. It is part of who they are. If this arena of things causes strife or anger in you, check your heart.

6 – They are not really unromantic clods, women just think they are. Actually, most men enjoy romance (sometimes in different ways) and want to be romantic but hesitate because they doubt they can succeed. They want to impress you. They do not want to fail. Easy enough way to get started on this is to be his playmate (no, not that kind). Go out and have fun with him! Then when he does something romantic, encourage him and affirm his efforts so that he knows they are appreciated and going well. If he feels that he did well, he will continue to try/be romantic. Entice him! Give him something to pursue. Make yourself the kind of friend and lover he constantly want to pursue. Keep him #1! *EDIT* Men are often not the exact epitome of what women expect when it comes to romance. To be perfectly honest, men have a lot to live up to due to chick-flicks, Disney movies, novels, etc. Women need to not have such high expectations of men in this arena, or they will never meet them and we will always be disappointed. I am not saying don’t ever expect it, I am just saying to be realistic. Movies are movies, not real life. If this is truly something that upsets you and you feel he does not understand, then talk to your man about it. Let him know your expectations, he cannot read your mind. Romance is different to men than it is to women. Talk about it if it’s effecting you deeply. Learn about each other. Communicate! Men also like to have something to chase or pursue. BE that something for him and this will never be an issue.

7 – You don’t need to be a size 3, but your man does need to see you making the effort to take care of yourself – and he will take on significant cost or inconvenience to support you. It’s all about presentation and confidence. Take care of yourself and he will feel loved.

Oddly enough some of these I am the male role/mind in our relationship. However, I am sure he also feels them.

Just thought I would share some quick tips and encouragements.

a little more than useless

what is the point of a relationship to you? i’m not talking friendship, i’m talking dating. why date? why marry? what is the reason and purpose?

to me, it is to fulfill a need. relationships are about filling a void. if you honestly stop and think about it, why do you long to be in a relationship? there’s always a reason, and the reason will most likely boil down to meeting a need. if you are in one, and they are not meeting a need for you, then why are you in relationship? if you strongly defend the relationship, it’s meeting a need. i’m being vague on purpose because everyone has different needs. stop and think about yours. why do you want a relationship? what are your expectations and desires? these are your needs.

now, i also would like to encourage everyone to express their need for the person they are with. if you do not express the need, the other person will start to feel useless, unwanted, etc. you need them for a reason in your life, so how could it hurt to express the need once in awhile? even if they need you desperately, if they do not feel they are not needed, they might hit the road in the near or distant future. it all depends on how long they are willing to wait to feel and be needed. so discover the need and express your need for someone special in your life. try to encourage them to do so as well. it will make everyone happier

if you cannot find a need for the person you are in a relationship with, then why are you in a relationship? think hard about things. if you do not feel as though you need them, then why are you wasting their time? if you aren’t sure you need them, then i can almost guarantee they are aware in one way or another as well.

relationships are not meant to be meaningless… discover your wants and needs, and find someone that meets them.