life is not the greatest

so, i officially cannot buy myself food. huzzah.

not looking for pity, although i will accept money or jobs, just stating how life is.

not sure why this is happening…. i know God has something in mind, but right now, i can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. i’m still fairly positive and upbeat, almost pretending this isn’t happening. but, it IS happening. i AM unemployed and out of monetary funds and have bills to pay.

prayers would be appreciated. i’m basically freaking out and trying to preoccupy my mind.

i love Michael Jackson

it’s still hard to believe that he’s dead…. i grew up listening to him. he’s an incredible musician. such a great singer, writer, producer, dancer… so surreal. the things he has achieved are amazing. he will be remembered for the positive things, such as…. (courtesy of wikipedia)

• Jackson had nine platinum singles in the United States, trailing only Elvis Presley (27) and Mariah Carey (10).
• Jackson had 16 gold singles in the United States, behind only Elvis Presley (54), Madonna (26), The Beatles (24), Mariah Carey (23), Janet Jackson (21), Whitney Houston (18), Elton John (17) and The Temptations (17).
• Jackson’s Thriller remained at number one for thirty-seven weeks, the longest-ever stay by a non-soundtrack album and second only to West Side Story.
• Thriller spent a record 80 consecutive weeks, more than a year and a half, in the Top 10 of the Billboard 200. It was the first of only three albums to remain on the Top 10 for more than a year (along with Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill and Celine Dion’s Falling into You).
• “Thriller” is the second-best-selling album in U.S. history, at 28 million. Only a greatest hits compilation by The Eagles has sold more.
• Thriller is the only album in the United States to have sold more copies than any other in two separate years, topping the sales charts in 1983 and 1984.
• Four of Jackson’s albums, Bad, Dangerous, HIStory, and Invincible, debuted at number one in the United States.
• Jackson was the first artist to have four top-ten singles from one album (Off the Wall).
• Jackson was the first artist to have seven Top 10 singles from one album (Thriller), a feat matched only by his sister Janet and Bruce Springsteen.
• Jackson was the first artist to simultaneously have the number-one album and number-one single on Billboard’s Pop Charts and Black Charts.
• Jackson was the first artist in the 1980s to have two simultaneous top-five hits (”Beat It” and “Billie Jean” on April 16, 1983).
• Jackson is the only artist to have five number-one hits from one LP, Bad (”Bad”, “The Way You Make Me Feel”, “Man in the Mirror”, “I Just Can’t Stop Loving You”, and “Dirty Diana”).
• Jackson had nine number one singles in the 1980s, more than any other artist during the decade.
• Jackson was the first artist to have a song debut as high as #5 on the Hot 100 (”Scream” in 1995).
• Jackson was the first artist to ever have a song debut at number one on the Billboard Hot 100 (”You Are Not Alone”).
• Jackson’s album Bad remained in the top five of the Billboard 200 for thirty-eight weeks, longer than any other album to date.
• Jackson has had thirteen number-one singles on Billboard’s Hot 100 singles charts, trailing only The Beatles (20), Mariah Carey (18) and Elvis Presley (18 or 17, depending on source).
• Jackson had 28 top ten hits on the Billboard Hot 100, trailing only The beatles (29), Elvis Presley (36) and Madonna (37).
• Jackson had 37 top 40 hits on the Hot 100.
• Jackson’s album “Thriller” (1982) is the best selling album of all time with more than 104 million copies.
• Would have been the biggest audience ever to see an artist in one city, from “This Is It” in 2009.
• Would have been the most amount of people to attend a series of arena shows, from “This Is It” in 2009.
• The fastest ticket sales in history, with 700,000 tickets sold in about four hours for the cancelled “This Is It” tour in 2009.
• Jackson is the fourth best selling artist of all time with over 750 million records sold. (First, second and third are as follows: 1. The Beatles, 2. Elvis Presley, 3. Bing Crosby)

he has been such an influence to today’s music, there is NO way to deny it.

Michael Jackson's Influence

i am still running….

you remember me
before i learned to run
at the kissing tree
before i learned my guns
we were 17
17 years young
i am still running
i am still running

i had no idea the pain would be this strong
i had no idea the fight would last this long
in my darkest fears the rights become the wrongs
i am still running…

build me a home, inside your scars
build me a home, inside your song
build me a home, inside your open arms
the only place i ever will belong

i am still running…

build me a home, inside your scars
build me a home, inside your song
build me a home, inside your open arms
the only place i ever will belong

over-thinking anyone?

why do i tend to care more than others? or do they really care just as much, i just show it more? or do i just think i show it more? i tend to feel like i am the one reaching out, the one doing the initiating… i also spend most of my time with people that are NOT my age. currently, it is mostly younger than me, but it’s always both for me. i tend to have more friends older and younger than me, than actually my age. why is that? and is it bad? or what does it say about me? as far as the caring more, i think it’s because i tend to only have a few close friends. i am not a person that lets others in easily, and when i do, cling to them with all my might. when i decide that i truly enjoy someone’s company, i desire nothing more than to be around them. this applies to guys and girls alike, and in a friendship sense. now, normal people like their space, lol, and then there’s me. i get my space in the morning and the evening. i don’t need much, and the couple hours a day i get are enough. i would prefer to spend my day around people i desire to be with, all day. or if i am doing nothing, i would rather be doing nothing at someone else’s house. i guess maybe it boils down to love languages? the two most important to me are quality time and words of affirmation… totally tied. then closely following is physical touch. all three are totally crucial to me feeling appreciated and loved by those around me. if we don’t spend a great deal of time together, and/or people do not express to me with their words what i mean to them, i feel empty. same with physical touch, but i must be careful with that one. mainly, i desire hugs like no tomorrow, and just physical interaction in like a sibling sense. this is not me asking people to do that, it’s just how i function… we all have love languages. we all crave love in our own way. love is the root of everything we do. we desire to love and be loved. and this is not necessarily in a romantic way, in fact it is most often NOT in a romantic sense. anyways, huge tangent…. basically, when left to myself, i go crazy. but i think most people that know me, knew that already. honestly, a day alone is the worst thing in the entire world for me. a day with just MY thoughts and just myself means insanity. i will drive myself insane over-thinking and overanalyzing every aspect of my life. therefore, i do all that i can to be around people. well, people that i care about and care to be around. however, that cannot always be. i guess sometimes it just feels like someone is more important to me than i am to them, and that gets frustrating sometimes. i think it is rare for me to have a friend where we mean just as much to each other. someone always cares more. even just keeping in contact. people lose touch and forget. out of sight out of mind. i will admit that is glorious when you can get back together after two years and it is like you never left each other. the truth is, you did. people usually do not mean “keep in touch” when they say it. granted, it is a great little fantasy to hope in, but it only lets you down. people lose touch, and for me personally, it tears at my heart. how could i have once meant the world to you, and now we don’t even talk? or how could have once been so close and spent so much time together, and now i rarely hear from you? then when i DO talk to these people, it’s because i initiated it. i guess i expect too much of people…. we all function differently. we all let each other down in ways we don’t even know. solution though? help? lol. i pity the man that marries me… i desire companionship more than anything in this world. not just as in marriage, but as in friendships as well. but that’s the level i think at, companion. not friend or acquaintance, but companion. good news, i will never let a companion down, ever. i am loyal and dependable to the max. i suppose i merely desire life-long friendships/relationships, and when i see hope of one, i grab tight. then, i am disappointed when they turn out not to be. i exert too much energy…. i might eventually delete this post, lol.aye.

why my BFF is better than yours

me: i’m angry. make me smile?
BFF: well so earlier today i was walking down the street and i was drinking some water
BFF: but the water tasted pretty weird
BFF: then all of a sudden optimus prime jumped up and slapped me and said hey that isn’t green water
BFF: so i have to take out my blaster rifle and i was fighting optimus prime in the middle of FJC
BFF: but for some reason optimus prime teleported me into the middle of the antartic ocean
BFF: so i was floating on this boat and all of a sudden an orca whale jumped out of the water
BFF: and stabbed me with his horn
BFF: “but wait” i thought “orca whales don’t have hornes”
BFF: and as i thought that the orca whale was an illusion and it was actually a unicorn
BFF: so i took myself to the hospital and dr. zombie operated on me and surprising i wasn’t bitten
BFF: then i came home and finished zombie diaries
BFF: but all in all life is good

later that day….

BFF: ok so like my wound got infected
me: wait, what?
BFF: so i ran to go get a snake but it took my wound and made it worse
BFF: i don’t know how
BFF: so randomly darth vader came out of no where and tried to get me to come to the dark side
me: did you fight him?
BFF: no, actually darth maul then came and stabbed my wound so the infection died
BFF: but somehow i became immortal from it all
BFF: i think rick james lightsaber has magical powers
BFF: so i was running this concert for ozzy and he refused to go up on stage unless he had a bowl of all brown m&ms
BFF: so i drove to the edge of town and broke into a store to get some bloody m&ms
BFF: but the store owner and his son lived there so i had to kill them with there own shoes
BFF: but thats another story
me: please, go on
BFF: ok so after ozzy went on stage i came back home and started my chem homework
BFF: but i didn’t do it cause the boogieman was trying to steal the kryptonite from the joker
BFF: so the monster from cloverfield ate the joker whole and the world was saved from nuclear destruction
me: dang, you’ve had quite an eventful day
BFF: that all just happened in the last 5 minutes

of first impressions and rash behavior

it is interesting when two people feel strong emotions. it is also interesting when the one feels it about the other, and the other feels it about someone completely different. the people we are attracted to has always interested me. we all think and feel so differently. the reasons we are drawn to each other… have you ever thought about them? why is your best friend your best friend? why is your boyfriend your boyfriend? what do they truly mean to you? how do you benefit from the friendship? just something to keep in mind.

now, on to what was on my mind. those of you that actually know me, know that i make a TERRIBLE first impression. most people generally dislike me when we first meet. i would honestly go as far as some people hating me. i have never really figured out why that is. my natural thing to do is to push people away, not let them in. a friend recently described me as having a huge brick wall up that i do not like to let people around. think of the first time we met, i bet it wasn’t pretty. i would put money on the fact that you felt that i was condescending, arrogant, judgmental, had a huge attitude, annoying, unwelcoming, and/or just generally gave off a “go away” vibe. to be honest, i am aware that i do that. take work for instance. after my first two days there, i am quite surprised that anyone likes me at all. on one hand, i really loathe that i seem to do this. on the other, i truly love the opportunities it creates for me. that first hand, loathe. the worst vibes i could possibly give off, i usually do. anything i can criticize, i usually do, quite loudly and openly i might add. immediately i just shove people away from me, particularly in a forced relationship situation such as new job. sometimes it makes me sick that i cannot just be normal and relate to people the way everyone else does. no, i must make things difficult on myself. i chose to appall and repel everyone around me. i often think that life would be easier if could just learn to ham things up and be the world’s friendliest and most polite person you will ever meet. the second hand, love. honestly, it does some great things for me. people give me space, no one talks to me, everyone leaves me alone, and people are generally afraid of me. why would i like this? you might ask. the worst thing in the entire world to me is having people barrage me with meaningless questions. forced socialization. pretending to care. they do not truly care, they are just being polite, making conversation, and feeding their generally curious nature. please, go be curious somewhere else. i am not your science experiment. now, having created this environment, i must earn the respect of those around me. i enjoy a good challenge, particularly when it involves my being out of character, which is cold and aloof. as i earn respect, this gives me an opportunity to do my favorite thing :: people watch. since i scared you off, now i get to sit back and watch and dissect your every move. i get to decide if you are worth my time, without having to waste my time with petty and shallow conversations.  i know, go ahead, judge me. you can call me insane (most days that would be accurate) and think that this is the worst possible way to go about living. you know what though? it is what i naturally do. it is who i am and always have been. i do not like opening up to people if i do not have to. earn my trust, earn my respect, and then you might possibly be lucky enough to receive a truly honest answer out of me. when you ask, “how are you?” i know that you do not genuinely care. you are merely making small talk, and small talk disgusts me. surface level is something that i do not do very well. why should i reveal some trivial piece of information about myself just to make conversation with you? intrigue me, i dare you. then i might talk to you. relationships are precious and sacred to me. i do not waste them on just anyone. i invest my time in people that intrigue me in some way. people that are genuine and real. something about them draws me in and i desire more. then and only then will i consider giving you access around that brick wall of mine. there’s not much room in this heart of mine to invest in a million people. caring takes time and energy, so i chose people i think are worth it in some way, even if it is just because they always seem to make me smile. my reasons are my reasons.

unfortunately please keep in mind, this is merely from my side. along with this i am cursed (but truly blessed, i love this about myself) by the fact that i love and live for helping others. hard to do when they don’t like you though, right? however, if you are ever having any kind of issue, my heart is immediately burdened for you and i desire more than anything in the world to help you in any way possible. i love to be let in, yet i struggle to let others in. once you are in though, you have loyal, trustworthy, dependable, friend for life.

back to the point, i make a bad first impression. which to me, is almost strange once you get to know me in some capacity. i am probably one of the most fun loving, energetic, optimistic, party animals that you will ever come across in your life. joy is my goal, and i would say i achieve it quite well 95% of the time. so why all the rash behavior?

why?

why? it’s seems to be on my mind a lot, and about everything. it’s something that’s been a part of my nature since i was quite young. my parents say don’t put your hand on the stove. i ask why. they tell me it will burn my hand. seems like a solid logical answer, and i trust my parents, so no more why and i obey. but i had to ask why. my brothers were different. one just obeyed, with no questions asked. the other one put his hand on the stove and got burned. to be honest, we still play things out in life like that now. one does what he is told, and the other one still learns through mistakes everyone can see. seems to need to learn first hand. and me, i ask why. then sometimes i do not always accept the answer given to me. if it does not seem to quite make sense as the answer to my question. i need explanations. it’s the way God made me, and i may never know why. lol. the questions never stop… why do i seem bipolar sometimes? why won’t he talk to me? why do i get hives? as in, why was i made that way? why do i live here right now? why here? why this house? why this church? why do i think so much? why can i be completely happy one moment, then completely miserable and/or angry the next? why do i like the songs i like? why do i get so irritated? why can’t i ever find someone to hang out with when i want to? why do i need so much time alone, yet also go crazy when i have no one to be with? why do i need people so much to feel sane and loved? why on earth do i bite my nails? why can’t i call you? why does my generation lack passion? why are people so oblivious? why don’t they care? why do i attract hispanic men? why are we friends? why do you want to be around me? why aren’t we friends? why don’t you want to be around me? why don’t we talk more? why am i so forward and blunt with everyone but you? why do i feel like i am always the one trying harder in a relationship? why did i leave? why don’t you seem to care? why do i like pens so much? why can’t i seem to put the time into things to become good at them? why is nothing ever good enough? why can’t you stay out of my business from time to time? why do i love the color turquoise? why do i think so stinking much?

time to read…. i need to immerse myself in something to stop thinking so much….

gossip, vermin, and lies.

“A fool’s mouth is his ruin, and his lips are the snare of his soul. The words of a whisperer are like dainty morsels, and they go down in to the innermost parts of the body.” – Proverbs 18:7-8

gossip disgusts me. people that seek out gossip about others repulse me.

“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen… Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:29, 31, 32

“Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell. All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles and creatures of the sea are being tamed and have been tamed by man, but no man can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water.” – James 3:5-10

God is just, He sees your sins. i hope you’re afraid for the things you will be held accountable for. 

“The one who guards his mouth preserves life; the one who opens wide his lips come to ruin.” – Proverbs 13:3

somewhere in me there is strength

do things really need to be complicated? do they truly need to be? i’m going with a negative on that one, and that we just make them that way. silly us. life’s too short. just kick back and have some fun. let things go… do not over think or make something trivial to be monstrous. letting go has to be one of the best feelings in the world. knowing you have released something, lifted a huge weight off of your shoulders. it is truly uplifting. after all, why hold onto to something if the fight doesn’t seem to be getting you anywhere? why struggle just to stay in the same place? why fight for someone if they aren’t fighting for you? there is always that hope in the back of your mind, but eventually that false hope isn’t strong enough to get up off of the ground, stand on two feet, and take another hit. eventually your body will give in. i finally gave in. i had to. i tried to burry everything for awhile. just dig deep and cover it all up like it wasn’t there and didn’t matter. but it does. they will always have a piece of my heart, but i have to let go. it has become unhealthy to linger any longer, and i need to move on. my heart cannot bear any more. maybe another time, place and circumstance… people are people and sometimes it doesn’t work out. i can’t breathe without you, but i have to. it’s not easy, but i have to. i’ve shed too many tears on too many sleepless nights. i need you like a heartbeat, but it’s killing me. i don’t want to hurt anymore. i need healing, not pain. it’s time to start healing… i’ll always be here if you should need, but i can’t hang on anymore. i never knew i could feel this much. you’re one of the best things to ever happen to me, please always know that. let the healing begin…

i found the quote i was looking for while writing this:

After all, how many ways can one heart be mangled and still be expected to keep breathing? – Bella in New Moon by Stephanie Meyer

You Are Exactly My Brand of Heroin

i fully admit . . . this evening, i endulged my love for sci-fi and fantasy.

i saw Twilight.

i loved it.

you should go see it.

for a taste, here’s Paramore’s video for Decode which is amazing.

“You are my life now.” – Edward Cullen

“And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.” – Edward
“What a stupid lamb.” – Bella
“What a sick, masochistic lion.” – Edward